About my Blog

But I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system, and expound the actual teachings of the great explorer of the truth, the master-builder of human happiness. No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful. Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain

Monday, December 21, 2009

Attack of the Mush: The Answer

The Answer

As an avid reader of my blog – a fan, dare I say, you probably know about the guy I once had a very interesting conversation with. Well, he remains ever so elusive when it comes to hanging out and meeting me for coffee. But for those who don’t know the story, read this. After months of chatting online and sometimes even on the phone we scheduled a meeting Dec 19, 2009. But alas, the day came and went and no meeting ever took place. I remember I sms’d him the day before the destined meeting asking if we were still “on” and he replied with something like, “I can’t blah, blah, blah, because some excuse, blah, blah, blah!” He promised. But I guess like anything else in the planet… nothing’s permanent --- especially words thrown to the wind. As they say, promises are made to be broken. And so it did. He did.

Perhaps on his blog entry about the same topic, on which he was contemplating whether to meet me or not, the NOT won. He wasn’t prepared. And he did disappoint. And so I ask myself, is it all worth it? Is all the waiting, longing, flirting and interesting conversations worth everything? And although I know the answer in my mind, my heart wants to prove me wrong otherwise. Maybe he was stuck in some national crisis that he needed to resolve. Maybe he went to a much needed mani-pedi. Maybe he was scared. Maybe he was weak. Or maybe the conversations, interesting as it maybe were simply not enough. Oh well… ces’t la vie.

Moving on.

Another Saturday night in Malate proved to me that I am indeed getting old. Not only was I less (much less) of a drinker, I also had less fun dancing and listening to club music. Signs of aging as one friend pointed out. I have been going to Malate since I was 16 years old after all. For as long as I could remember, Malate was the only place where gay guys gather on a stressful week. It’s a place to hang-out, relax, meet old friends and gain new ones. Not to mention, a place to get all the meat you can get your hands on – so long as they’re willing. Mind you, gay guys can be really, really picky. Checklists? Gay guys probably have these as top three: (1) Hot --- smoking hot body. (2) To die for looks. (3) Mediocre brains. Now these are just general assumptions. It can vary depending on scale, percentage and statistics. As for me, I go there for friends --- just to be with friends. Gone are the days when hook-ups, Quick Fixes, and NSA-ONS are on the menu. I’ve been telling my friends, that if I reach 40 and I’m still hanging out in Malate to get laid, someone just put me out of my misery and shoot me.

Nevertheless, since I was already there I decided to take a look around and simply observe. And that I did. I saw this one guy who for all intent and purposes was there to get hooked-up. He was all over the place hoping, begging to be noticed. And after an hour or so, he finally proved successful when he was groping another guy – which was with another guy (a friend) later that evening. Talk about all aboard. I also saw familiar faces, those who are friends with the owners, or simply there every weekends. These are the social leeches that cling on the ladder to get noticed. They beso-beso with the “it” people hoping to be “it” themselves only to be later on trampled by the real socialites entering the club -- Pathetic, isn’t it? Then there are the friends of the owners who dance around like puppets on the whim of a master puppeteer. These are the college drop-outs with tons of money from their parents but zero English-speaking skills. The dumb blondes.

And so, it only proves how sad, very sad lives some if not most gay guys lead. They live for the moment only because the future seems bleak without a family to build. They hold no respect for themselves only because they think Malate is an appropriate place to be promiscuous. The everyone-does-it-so-it-must-be-good mentality.

Last Saturday I found my answer…

I call him Beh!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Kaganapan (Panimula)

Sumisikat na daw ang blog ko. Yihee! Baka naman isipin nyo nagmamayabang ako. Hindi noh! Medyo lang!

Eh kasi napansin ko lang na may chumichismis na sa blog ko. Nakatanggap na din ako ng mangilan-ngilang mensahe na sinasabing narinig na daw nila ang blog ko kung kanino man. Katunayan may natanggap akong mensahe kanina sa Facebook na nagpapatunay. May nagrekominda dawn g blog ko sa kanya. “Interesting” daw kasi ito. Hindi ko sigurado kung ano ang ibig nyang sabihin dito. Pero hindi ko na din tinanong. Para sa akin mahilig lang ako magsulat ng patungkol sa mga paksang nalalaman ko. Kalimitan nga lang ay sa pag-ibig.

At dahil na blanko ako sa pagsusulat buong November, gusto ko sanang bumawi sa pagsusulat ng tagalog ngayon December. Ito ang paunang salbo ko sa mga mangilan-ngilan kong taga subaybay at kung maari pa nga at tawaging tagahanga.

**KAGANAPAN**

Sa dinami-dami ng pagkakataong ako’y magsulat at mag update ng blog, hindi ko ito nagawa. Nakakahiya tuloy tawaging blogger ako kung hindi naman ako masipag magupdate. Marami-mari na ding naganap sa akin na karapat-dapat sanang ilathala ngunit/subalit/dadadapwat/pero, ang buong katotohanan ay, tinamad ako magsulat. Mas masarap na kasing matulog ngayon. Malamig at siguro ay tumatanda na din ako. Pero heto, susubukan ko pa din magsulat ng mga kaganapan sa akin nung nakaraang buwan.

Mauna ito sa lahat. May nakilala ako.

May nakilala akong karapat-dapat isulat. Si CLG. Una kami nagkasama dahil sa pambubuyo ng isang kaibigan. Isang nakakaloka at minsan nakakapikon sa pagka-talamak sa late na kaibigan. Architect nya daw ito sa kanyang pinapagawang bahay at dahil gusto nya uminom ng gabing iyon sinama nya na. Malagim ang gabing yun. Ang aking kaibigan ay nawasak ng todo. Nagpakalango sa alak at nalasing. Yung lasing na hindi na makatayo. Yung inom na parang pangkanto. Ganon.

Don nagsimula ang lahat. Sa painom-inom, na nauwi sa pagpunta at pagtulog nilang dalawa sa condo ko sa Mandaluyong. Ang masaklap pa nyan na pwersa ako magmaneho dahil sa kalasingan nya at yung si CLG naman ay hindi marunong mag-drive. Ayus di ba? Buti na lang at naalala ko pa yung pagaaral ko sa magmamaneho noon. Eh pitong taon din akong hindi gumalaw ng sasakyan, simula ng mabanga ako. Este, nung naatrasan ko pala ang kotse ng kapit-bahay naming papuntang school. Sa sobrang takot at kaba ko, din a ulit ako humawak ng sasakyan. Pero, ‘nak ng hueteng, wala ako nagawa ng gabing yun kaya pinaandar ko ang sasakyan sa bumubuhos na bagyo, bonggang baha, walang lisensya, mula San Juan hanggang Mandaluyong Executive (malapit na sa Makati) ng pinakamabilis na takbo at segunda.

Makalipas ang isang buwan ng una naming pagkakakilala. Ayun, magkakilala pa din kami. Marami pa akong iniisip bago ako tumalon sa balon kaya hinahayaan ko na lang munang magtampisaw. Malay natin baka bukas makalawa maramdaman ko na din.


-ITUTULOY-


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Updates, Dating, and on Missing V

It is unusual for me not to be able to write an entry on my blog for the longest time, and yet for the past couple of weeks, I’ve complete ran out of time and opportunity (and even mood) to even take a glimpse of my blog – unfortunately. That, plus the fact that I have been really, extremely (borderline-life-altering) busy with a lot of things and simply didn’t find anything interesting to write about. But then I realized that’s not entirely true. Being a rather observant person, I could usually find something or someone to write about. And so, for this first entry (and probably the last) for the month of October, I would like to write about things that happened to me during the past month just to keep my very secret, very tiny fan-base updated.

To start off, this month is my official 2nd year anniversary of singlehood. And while it sometimes pains me to admit it, I have not found my significant other in two years of searching, trying and waiting. I did however; meet a couple of interesting chaps -- at least, worthy enough to mention on my blog entry.

One particular person whom I shall call, Mr. Almost-Made-It which I met a couple of months back but failed to write about was near perfect. We could talk for hours about anything under the sun (and moon – at times). We laughed on everything and had fun being together. Mr. AMI was sweet, kind, forgiving and simply a wonderful person. My friends adored him.

But there was just one problem. I couldn’t bring myself to be intimate with him. (You’re an adult, you know what I mean.) For some freakish reason, I just could not even fathom the idea of being on the same bed with him and do absolutely nothing else but sleep. At first, I thought this was just my fear to lose the passion of the relationship if the intimate moment turned out to be not how I expected to be. So I settled for the relationship instead without the wall-scratching and bed-pounding action that I am so used to. And after a month of dating, things were just getting worse. The looming problem over my “other head” has been too great and too much to go unnoticed. I kept dodging every attempt by faking sleep, faking stomach spasms, and even faking being drunk. I know, I know, I was evil. But alas, even my talented theatrical artistry could not hide what was wrong. The dating withered and eventually I had to speak up and tell the truth. I ended it in the most unbearable, coldest and even insensitive manner, I admit --- through text. As if the method wasn’t bad enough, I added insult to a very painful injury by telling him exactly what I felt, or should I say did NOT feel. A month or so passed, jumping into the present month, we started communicating again and I could sense this is bound to be just a ku-mare – which is a good thing.

Then there’s another guy I met at the most addicting social networking site—Facebook while I was in Malaysia for work. In a nutshell, he turned out better in the cyberworld that in person. I just didn’t agree on his views of relationships and priorities. In my opinion, he simply didn’t know what he wanted to do in his life. He picked me up after a two-week job in Malaysia. We got to talking, that’s when I realized that this is not the person I would want to be with long-term. And at this point in my life, I am not looking for flings, affairs, or short-lived relationships. Ranting about how bad things are at the office and plans of moving out of the country is not exactly what I would like to hear on a first date. Golden rule people: when on a first date, talk about your interests, hobbies and things that keep the conversation light but interesting not how you hate your boss and wish he’d drop dead anytime soon. If he could talk about a person he hates with such judgment and disdain, chances are his boss isn’t the only person he will eventually talk bad about. So, get the check, excuse yourself and run while you can.

I may be a bit presumptuous but heck; I can’t afford to waste my time with a person I can see no future with.

3rd guy --- Chinese-mestizo, mid-30s, professional, good-looking, stable -- financially and emotionally, and we pretty much shared the same vision. After a very nice and interesting first date, it never reached a second. Why? I could only assume. To this date, I have not heard from him again after a brief week of exchanging sms’ planning for the second meeting which obviously never transpired. I guess some guys usually prefer the disappearing act than have the balls to confront. Gawd, sometimes I wonder why I even try to date.

And then the other night, I found the answer to this riddle when I dated a deaf guy. Yes, he’s deaf and we dated. I was actually a bit hesitant to meet up with him but my messiah complex got the best of me. We understood each other since I knew a little sign language which apparently turned out to be pretty good according to him. I figured as much or that date wouldn’t have lasted over the initial “hi” and “hello.” I asked him with his disability, “Does it hinder you from finding love?” And he replied, “Why should it?”

I guess every one of us is in search of something, be it: love, self, hope, and for most people even sanity. But I’ve decided to stop dating for a while. Not because of the too many failed attempts as mentioned but because it is taxing. Getting to know someone especially on a date can be quite a tedious task. Sometimes I just wish I could meet someone like how I met V, simple, uncomplicated and real. He was asking for directions while I was in my jammies on my way to 7-11. Just like that. We lasted for almost 3 years and many years after – he’s still the measurement of what a relationship should be to me.

Simple, uncomplicated and real.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Monday, September 21, 2009

Attack of the Mush: Interesting Conversations

I started talking to this guy online for about a week now. Haven't seen him, have no idea how he looks like but bottomline, I love the way he thinks, the way he writes and they way all this remains to be a mystery. Scared? Yes, but I'm willing to see where this all will go. After all, nothing is really certain. We could only wish to hope and pray ever so diligently that this might work. And if it doesn't, we move on. Just like before.

Received and sent messages
Show last Message

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:15
searching for love, sex and magic? necessarily in that order? :)

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:24
not really.. but preferably with a picture. hehe!

Him:i 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:26
tempting... :)

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:28
i'm sure. :D

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:29
my loss then :)

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:37
or perhaps mine.. :) we'll never really know...

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:40
hahaha, you are one witty piece of neuron

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:44
hmmm... i could probably say the same thing about you.

interesting, i usually ignore guys who message me without pics but then again... it's refreshing to see a message with more than 2 sentences (and not a template).. than the usual "hi", "hello", or worse, "helloww poh, kamustahhh pow kayoh?" HAHAHA!

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:47
i dont see that as messages, they are regarded as TRASH!!!! well, options available to a nice looking guy are endless. but sometimes there is the lil devil called curiosity that pokes your mind with the idea that "hey, this one might work!"

but then again, you have the option to ignore.

or we continue this kind of conversation. your choice!

my ym id remains to be *****

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:52
i'd love too.. but i just finished a toxic day at the office. i'm just about to leave. might not be able to catch or go online when i go home.. too tired most probably.

so next best thing, mobile. if that's not too personal, here's my number 0917******.

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:57
i see. i just hope your toxicity will be compensated for most of the employed's salary are waiting to be withdrawn!!! teller machine rocks today!!!!

well, i wish you well and a safe travel going home. dont worry, your number is safe with me. :)

ME: 16. Sep. 2009 - 11:50
hehehe.. payday for our company is 10-25. :) and no, i'm not paid well enough! but i love my boss and my job so I do it for that reason alone.

yeah, i figured my number was safe with you since you never really messaged me or anything. locked in a vault? =D

Him: 16. Sep. 2009 - 21:58
so dinner on the 25th will be on your tab? hahaha. Underpayment is a misnomer. If you have lots of cash, taxation will be lurking CLOSE behind.

i dont expect you are the message-type person. But yeah ive been hooked in my own vault (read: deadlines) and this is the only time i can check.

my apologies. safety is my primordial concern!!! :)

ME: 17. Sep. 2009 - 10:30
hmmm... you're really starting to poke on my interest a little more. either you're an english major, you love reading books, a writer, or you're a stalker who knows me and the fact that i am turned-on by great minds. so which is it?! :P

25th dinner -- i would love to but unfortunately, i will be in Malaysia by that time and will be gone for 2 weeks. i'm leaving on wednesday next week.

here's my ym in case we catch each other on-line: angel_of_mourn (don't ask, i've had that since high school and was too lazy to change it.)

Him: 17. Sep. 2009 - 21:57
nope, not an english major. If you read the curriculum description of such course, you will have second thoughts.

i love books, that is a confession BUT!!! i am also a writer (in my own ways). Not into blogging though, i have too much stress in life and i firmly believe that the walls of social networking sites are not fora for rantings.

im no stalker too. i dont want to suspend life's happenings conditioned on another. thats a sad life, boring and lethal! hahaha.

maybe i have caffeinated neurons inside this temple. and maybe you have those too. thus, the connection.

Malaysia trip? travel is soothing for the weary soul. But if it is business or work-oriented, then maybe a change of workplace is also an alternative. regardless of teh purpose, you are mature and old enough to remind yourself to take care.

thank you for the ym id. i feel guilty because i have not offered anything in return. thus, i am 0915******.

dinner on the 25th postponed? do you reschedule? ordinarily, i dont. but since you have been nice and accommodating, what is two week wait mode? :)

ME: 18. Sep. 2009 - 13:07
This is turning out to be more and more like a blog entry. It's been a long time since I've conversed with someone such as you. And yes, I'm loving it very much.

so you love books, and write -- two things i hold very high regard of. I'm a writer myself but unlike you, I do my rantings on my blog for the world to read. When I initially created that blog back in 2004, it was more of a place to store all things that i've written. Later on, it became an outlet of sorts for my melodramatic, sometimes chaotic, but mostly ecstatic (wait, did I just rhyme?) life. Now, I mostly write about my experiences in life, love and losing. Three topics I am very much, if not overtly familiar with.

and you're not a stalker... good coz I wouldn't know what name to write on the restraining order (if ever).

yup, definitely have some, if not most neurons caffeinated. everyday coffee drinking and did I mention the title of my blog is Suicide By Coffee (NOTE: Promise you won't look it up!)

I've been going in and out of Malaysia for almost 3 years now. "Suyang-suya" na ako don! Hehehe! But yes, I change of environment from time to time is good for the heart, body and maybe even the soul.

oh wow. an number, think if I should sms you immediately, perhaps I should wait an hour or so before I do. Don't want to seem too eager! Haha!

Yes we could reschedule, how about before I leave. Lemme know if you're up to the challenge.

Him: 18. Sep. 2009 - 23:49
well, i have been conversing with "sensible" peeps on this site. They are scarce, yet some are promising. But then they will shatter the mind challenges and the wisdom taunting conversation with 3 words --- "face pic please". Will then go to square one again. good thing expectations are tempered. i can go through all these again and again.

i think writing vis-a-vis reading is a normal package. unless one writes mathematical themes or nuclear physics that is confined with a mono faceted subject, the two should be used, enjoyed and practice simultaneously.

if i am a stalker, i would just crush your restraining order via mandatory injunction or motion for reconsideration, appeal perhaps? but then again, a good stalker finds pleasure in following without being spotted right?

i am torn between the good effect to critical and free minds on one side and the hurt caused to others by blogs. others might misinterpret you or destroy you back even without your intention doing the same in the first place. thats why blogs do not excite me much. people with minds creating them do excite me more (and more!!! lol). im too lazy to search engine the title of your blog. just tell me the interesting parts on dinner (on you?). I assume a good writer like you is as eloquent and expressive with thoughts.

malaysia? I dont like their restrooms!!! some do not have toilet bowls!!! CRAP!!! literally!!! i love the idea of public showers on railroad stations though. a haven for backpacker-cruisers!!! hahahaha.

still no SMS. even if i brag about the fact that there is this cute person seemingly interested (and equally interesting), i still wanted that message!!! how is he different composing text messages from the free language of the PC? without the message, what difference will it be?

we cant reschedule before your trip. I am on my way to the island paradise of palawan, el nido and coron. while my initial return date is tuesday, i might pay additional bucks to enjoy. Dont worry, i think its worth the wait!!!

til next time. :)


-FIN-

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Because It's My Choice and Not Yours

Last night, I realized that I am a square peg in my very rounded hole and by hole I mean this world. For almost two years that I’ve been single, I’ve searched, waited and longed for love. And it eluded me ever so passionately. I’ve dated and met a lot of people over the past two years and yet, for some reason it just didn’t fit. I didn’t fit.

I’ve been in love before every so often. And while it is the most magical thing in the world, losing it is also the most tragic. It doesn’t matter how many San Miguel Light you drink with your friends or how many love stories you watch, or even how many times you go to bed with someone you hardly even know, I still go to bed every night wondering, going through every detail of how for a split second you made yourself believe that you’re happy loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

I woke up this morning depressed and in tears. Something I also could not explain. But this is not the first time it had happened to me. Usually during the “BER” months that I am single, I somehow get into this mode. And it just sucks!

And so I tried to put meaning to my tears. I asked myself why I was sad. Why in my semi-perfect life, good career, intact family, wonderful friends, the only thing missing is someone I could share the great things in my life with? Why is it that as you get older you raise your expectations and never settle for anything less that what you think you’re worth? And then I came to my senses; I stood up, cleaned the entire apartment, ate very late lunch and sat down to watch “The Holiday” for the nth time. And the answer came to me; you find love when you least expect it. You just do.

Today, I only allowed myself to cry for a few minutes because I needed it. I needed to get my frustration out in the open. Not because I wanted to but because at the end of the day it’s my choice to either sad or to be happy. And now, I chose to be happy. Why? Because, I can!


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

One More Reason Not To Date Anyone Younger Than You... (or in this case, anyone with the intellect of a squirrel.) LOL!

Definitely worth blogging....

One of the reasons, why I should really stop going out with boys! SOME OF THEM have the emotional and intellectual capacity the size of a teaspoon. HAHAHA! Anyway, this conversation was done over PlanetRomeo (a social networking site for PLUs).

This is a conversation between me and a 23-year-old gay guy names Jaycee.

Enjoy reading...


Received and sent messages

Show last Message

1. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:02
define poser. :D

2. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:05
poser?

3. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:06
sa profile mo. :)

4. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:08
what????? ganun b tayo kclose for you to call me poser. magkaibigan nga kayo ni melissa! parehas masama ugali!

5. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:23
ano ba?! chill! you misunderstood.

Online: NO FACE PIC, NO REPLY! POSERS WONT BE ENTERTAINED! -- yan ang headline mo sa profile mo di ba?

so i was asking you as a joke to define poser. mashado ka naman hot-headed....

6. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:26
and you just judged and called me "masamang ugali" and you don't even know me... and all based on a simple and laughable misunderstanding. and on top of that, you just called my friend masamang ugali too. hmmm...

sino kaya sa atin ang may masamang ugali? :(

7. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:28
it's not a good joke.

8. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:31
what?! hahaha! wow! i never said you were a poser and obviously you didn't get the joke. anyway, as i said, chill.. i think you're stressing over such a little thing.

either that or you really didn't get what my message meant.

take care then!

9. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:31
whatever. just stop sending me msgs. thanks. so next time be careful with ur jokes. bye.

10. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:32
hahah! kids nga naman...

oh well.. god bless!

11. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:34
yeah kids nga naman, they love laughing at their stupid jokes.

12. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:38
just because you have an emotional and intellectual capacity the size of a teaspoon doesn't mean the world is always after you!

you'll soon realize what an unbelievably idiotic thing you're stressing about.... until then, i bid you farewell and good luck! :)

-FIN-

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Monday, August 17, 2009

Attack of the Mush: On Wanting

I’ve nearly forgotten the last time I fell in love. Though I do remember, that when I did, it felt damn great. I barely recall the last person who made me feel that nothing else in the world mattered as long as we were together. All I knew was he was there… with me.

When I think about all the bad things happening in the world. The recession, the never-ending war amongst fellow men, AH1N1, calamities and even everyday crimes --- from as petty as theft to all the way as inhuman as murder. When I think about the world and its evil, it’s no wonder I am not the only one looking for love.

But as far as I am concerned whenever any calamity, war, disease, or any injustice brought about by evil to any man, even a death of a matriarch of a country such as ours, people come together to express what seems to be more than sympathy but true love and concern. But yes, love is often seen at its best during the worst of times. Though fortunately, that’s not always the case.
But as far as I am concerned whenever any calamity, war, disease, or any injustice brought about by evil to any man, even a death of matriarch of a country such as ours, people come together to express what seems to be more than sympathy but true love and concern. But yes, love is often seen at its best during the worst of times. Though that’s not always the case.

If you really think about it and observe, you’ll find love everywhere. A mother to a son, a father to his daughter, friends, old friends, new ones, lovers, brothers or sisters, even a child on his favorite pet. If you try and find it hard enough, it really is here, there and everywhere. In whatever shape or form, it does exist and endures. But like on everything else, there’s a limit to what you could give. There are certain things that you could only take. Then you ask yourself, with all the love that surrounds even the most romantic, passionate and loving person in the world, is love really enough?

For those who know me pretty well, they have seen me madly in love and they have also seen me broken to a million pieces because of it. And yet here I am still searching, enduring, hoping, and waiting for that one perfect occasion, when the planets and the stars are aligned, to meet that one person that could change everything in your life without a moments notice.

I want to remember how it felt like, what it was that drove me crazy, what made me not want anything else but just to be beside him. To touch, feel, smell, see, experience everything that that one person could give. And to be given the chance to give it all back.

I want to be reminded how to fight because you cared, you loved. I want to argue because the little things mattered. I want to cry because I was hurt. I want to be able to wake up every morning saying that it will be beautiful regardless of the bad weather because you knew, you’d wake up beside the person you were meant to be with --- maybe not forever but at least for that moment. I want to be able to sing again not because I have to but because each melody, word and rhythm reminds how wonderful you feel. I want to be able to dance without a care in the world because it doesn’t matter how stupid you may look, for that one person watching you happy was enough. I want that one person in the world who will still love me even when there’s no more reason to but will still find one.

I want to finally find you.

So if you’re out there, let’s have coffee. My treat.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Sunday, August 16, 2009

On Hope and Romance

When someone tells me that love is just out there, I can’t help but wonder if it’s just a cleaver ruse to mask the fact that while some people find it, others simply doesn’t.

If you are pretty much like me, a hopeless-romantic to the core, you tend to believe on the “sayings” about this feeling. Love is blind. Love is a mystery. Love comes when least expected. Love is … complicated. But on all my faith on this concept of L-O-V-E, I have reason to believe that my once hopeless-romantic self has now been jaded, shaken to its core. Yes, the old me is now being reborn to a more cynical-realistic-practical Noel. I have accepted the fact that I have changed and I welcome it.

For the longest time, I have forced myself to the idea that I need to be with one person to complete me --- as Jerry Maguire very dramatically delivered that infamous line… “You complete me!” But he was wrong; you don’t need someone to complete you because you weren’t even broken in half to begin with. Shame on Jerry for misleading everyone!

I was recently dating someone for almost a month. I had the best time with him. He was smart, funny, and kind, sweet, thoughtful and all those qualities I was looking for a partner to be with. Unfortunately, there was one very important factor missing. I wasn’t really sexually attracted to him. Sad, I know but it doesn’t make it any less true. I really don’t know why but I just was not. And this coming from a very sexual person actually disturbed some close friends when I told them about the problem. And so, we ended it. We both knew it was a problem and that we just had to face it sooner or later. It just happened sooner.

I then realized that there could really be no relationship beyond sex, at least not for gays and not on the onset of what could have been a relationship. You really have to test the waters before you even attempt to swim on it. You’ll never know how deep it could get and you might just drown. We might not survive, not all of us are mermaids after all.

Yes, love without sex cannot exist. Perhaps it could on the straight scene but definitely not in the gay world. It just doesn’t work that way.

And so, my near-epic search continues. Almost two years and while I may have lost the hopeless-romantic in me, my HOPE for a ROMANCE remains steadfast…

… at least for now.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Thursday, August 13, 2009

UNREQUITED

***Found this post from my hard-drive. Written a few years back. GAWD! Even then, I was such an EMO-freak!***


Last night over a bottle of San Miguel, I said "Goodnight!".

For almost two years, I've dreamed of what it was like to be with you. And in two years of longing, that never materialized. There were little things and other big things that affected what could have been a beautiful relationship but last night when I asked you again if you see a possibility you simply said, "No."

I left before you could see tears flowing from my eyes. I didn't want you to see me weak nor sad. But I was both. Extremely.

I write about you to try and release some of the pain and sadness that I feel now. I'm hoping that with this, I can try and move on. If only to see a glimmer of light in the distance.

I almost forgot how it was to love and not be loved in return. The most cruel kind of love. One I hope that you would never-ever feel in your lifetime. I didn't realize that I'd fall so deep. So deep, I couldn't even see I was drowning. I'm sorry for not believing you the first time you said, you did not want me. I guess chose I not to listen. I pretended not to hear. I should have though, if only to stop this madness from consuming me.

You could not see how sincere I was. How much I wanted to give you everything, not because I could but because you deserve it.

Perhaps I shall dance in the rain again to hide the tears. Perhaps when it stops I will be alright.

Perhaps but not certain.

A few hours ago, I dreamed about you. On the dream, you said you wanted me too. That you loved me as well. I woke up and realized it was all but a dream. And my eyes began to fill with tears.

Last night, you said you're sorry.

Sorry that you could not give me what I wanted.

It was over but I still could not say my goodbye. I couldn't. You're just too damn special.

But today, I must try. If only that I could move on.

So here it is... "Goodnight"

(... which loosely translates to "Goodbye!" I think.)

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Monday, August 10, 2009

DIARY OF A REVOLUTIONARY (kuno!) by Leslie and Carmencita Abelardo

***Written by my Dad with the collaboration of my Mom.

I do not consider myself brave. Only heroes like Ninoy and Tatay are. But, I have known fear intimately enough to grapple with its oftentimes debilitating effects and still manage to stay above water.

It is said that “prudence is the better part of valor.” I try to stick to this dictum as practicable as possible. I even think that this saying is the universal motto of all cowardly types. And that, includes me.

Until the ”snap elections” was called. I did not think I would play a part, though insignificant, in any of the historical events that was to unfold. I felt I did not want any part of it. But, the wife, (Carmencita) thought otherwise.

In October, 1985, Don Jaime Zobel of NAMFREL was looking for volunteers to help man the polls. Thru Cely Lorayes, I volunteered my wife’s name (and reputation) posthaste to avoid having to directly participate myself. At first, I did not want her to supervise the Olympia Village proceedings so as not to antagonize the Marcos loyalists in our area. On second thought, however, I also believed that she would be more effective (and credibly, non-partisan, I hoped) in an area where she is known. Also, I felt we would be operating in relative safety (Yabut bodyguards, notwithstanding).

So, I joined the seminars and briefings, helped coordinate meetings with her constituted group of which I, automatically, became a pillar (ha, ha) of, in a disguised attempt to please the chairperson. My heart, however, was not fully into the act, yet.

Until Melvin Yabut, the nephew of Mayor Nemesio Yabut, tried to dissuade her from pushing through with the Bantay ng Bayan exercise. A seething anger slowly found its way into my political consciousness. The fear, however, of violence marring the proceedings also manifested itself in the face of this real, dangerous threat. Little by little…… much to my discomfiture, I was being inexorably drawn into the social upheaval.

D-Day, February 7, 1986. Most of our apprehensiveness were dramatized into life-sized reality. There was rampant cheating, harassment, a pervading atmosphere of tension. At the lunch hour, NAMFREL’s Over-All Chairman Jose Concepcion declared a “Failure of Elections” and we were ordered to pull out and upon orders of Fernando Zobel De Ayala, our NAMFREL chairman for this side of Makati, we regrouped at the Sanctuario de San Antonio parish hall. Amid the shouting, catcalls, sporadic debates, a general consensus was reached to proceed and stand vigil at the Guadalupe Viejo Elementary School in Barrio Pinagkaisahan, where other beleaguered colleagues were valiantly holding fort. The newspaper accounts of what transpired there should suffice to relate that episode.

Eventually, the road to our freedom fight that day ended at the Makati Municipal Hall quadrangle. Or, should I say, started? From that day on, we stood vigil in a vain attempt to ensure that the true election results would be reflected. During that 2-week or so vigil, the place became a veritable Freedom Park and a holiday plaza of sorts. It was there where the nation’s opposition’s who’s who converged together with the small and insignificant who(?). I recall one gentlemen who prided himself as an advertising man, mouthing sharp, biting radicalisms that were, at times, downright seditious. But, he was not only clearly motivated. He was sincerely committed to the cause of change. He was there everyday and I sort of felt embarrassed if I could not go on vigil a certain day for some reason or another. So, my wife and I spent a memorable, historic, unromantic evening on Valentine’s Day dialoguing with Jojo Binay and Atty. Untalan who were carping about another ineffectual day they had with the local COMELEC.

Our Makati vigil went full cycle the night, or should I say the day (it was already 5:00 am of February 15) we brought the returns to the Batasan. I, myself, was sure of the rigged results and didn’t want to dignify the proceedings by playing out the entire anti-climactic scene. But, for some, foolhardy reason…what the heck. We went.

Back at Olympia Village, all “the king’s men” were strutting about, beating their chests, and singing hallelujahs. Some, bless their hearts, were at least patronizing, if not condescending.

I did not want to show my true color ( yellow—perhaps a bit literally than was the norm) when we joined the TAGUMPAY NG BAYAN walkathon cum rally at the Luneta. In fact, I even surreptitiously emerged from out front gate to avoid the sabi-ko-na-nga-ba dagger looks of the Yabut cohorts.

I loved that march and was proud of it. It was the longest march I walked and although I developed what a nice doctor-friend called a “revolutionary’s knee,” it reminded me of that warm feeling of belonging, as esprit de corps that brings out the brotherhood in every freedom-loving Filipino.

Cory Aquino sounded the clarion for civil disobedience and boycott of crony-associated products and services. I booed against doing without San Miguel Beer for an indefinite period but I tried my best to heed her call.

An awakened, nationalistic spirit needs very little reason to manifest itself. Thus, upon, Cardinal Sin’s appeal for “people power” at Crame, off we immediately hied to lend Enrile and Ramos warm and sacrificial bodies on February 22. At the back of my mind, was the nagging thought that the “authorities” would really do us in—regardless of whether or not we were there for the “We Belong” spirit. I know this was no picnic and if there was going to be real trouble, magkakasubuan na.

We parked our cars near Gate 4 of Camp Aguinaldo and walked along EDSA all the way to the front gate of Camp Crame. We milled about in company of about a few hundred others since this was still the first hour of Cardinal Sin’s call at Radio Veritas, where our ears were glued to radio sets, all the while. A little over an hour had passed and I noticed that the throng was getting larger and multiplying fast! Soon, the crowd was so dense I had difficulty tracking down the members of our little group.

Like in the Makati vigil, the same familiar personalities were there: Leah Navarro, Celeste Legaspi and hubby, June Keithley, Jaime Ongpin and the superstar herself, Nora Aunor who promptly got the booing of her life.

Despite the radio sets almost everyone were lugging around, communicating information was harried and passed by primitive word-of-mouth. We left EDSA, trod our way along Santolan and installed ourselves in front of the gate of the MND Building when frantic calls for support to barricade was transmitted along the grapevine.

My thoughts then were: 1.) my poor car could be trampled over a by tank coming out of Gate 4 and here I was helplessly way off on the opposite side; 2.) We could also be ran over by other tanks coming out of the Santolan side of the camp. As the hours ticked away, it was, to me, getting to be serious. We may even get to be seriously dead.

Suddenly, a bright idea flashed as I fussed over the dilemma of holding out with the barricading multitude. The rumbling of my stomach gave me a convenient excuse to strongly suggest a temporary pull-out. “Let’s have snacks and coffee at my in-laws place at Project 4,” I declared. Everyone succumbed to the call of nature, hunger included, when I assured them we would be back after relieving ourselves, (from hunger, too!).

I commandeered a passing taxicab, piled all eight of us into the vehicle, and amidst the wailing protestations of the driver, proceeded to out destination. We stayed long enough to savor a few tarts, coffee, and lots of encouragement from the olds, who were beglowing with pride. I thought, “God, they do seem really happy sending me to my certain doom. Why is it I feel real creepy about this impending martyrdom?”

Back at the frontlines between the EDSA gates of Camps Crame and Aguinaldo. It was almost five o’clock am of February 23 and the ranks look depleted by the retreat of large groups who were either losing heart, like me, or intended to shore up on courage and provisions. Again, it literally dawned upon me that it was a good enough excuse for us to be heading back for home. Without looking too eager, I suggested we hear mass first before we make our way back since a makeshift platform was already set up for the forthcoming rite.

I was still without sleep as I kept my regular Sunday tennis appointment. My tennis cronies were surprisingly lukewarm to my announcement that I came from EDSA, alive and playing the game of my life. Well, perhaps it was because they were so used to the graphic accounts of my NAMFREL exploits…but then, reminiscing, I now realize they were merely reacting normally, like the closet loyalists they must be. Then again, it’s alright because we play apolitical tennis, naman.

I slept and stayed home for the day, Sunday, February 24 content with following the events over the radio and on TV, whatever information was being shown. My wife, I was to learn from her later, went back to EDSA and bought a vanful of huge cigarette shippers to use as sleeping mats for some nuns and NAMFREL volunteers.

As I prepared for the office Monday morning of February 25, I switched on the TV, hoping to get news of the traffic situation going to Cubao. Pres. Marcos and the entire family were displayed onscreen. As I was about to turn up the volume, the phone rings. Rudy Corpuz agitately announces there is dancing and merriment in the streets, particularly along Ayala Avenue, right in front of Insular Life. “Marcos is gone!” he shouts into the receiver. “What? How is that possible?” I shouted back.

“It’s all over the radio, man. Aren’t you awake yet?” he chides.

I snapped back, “Well, you better check again because here I am with the TV and the guy and his flock is also all over the screen, a bit haggard and drowsy, but very much alive with his grandchildren prancing about!”

He was still unconvinced suggesting that what was on TV was just a reply of some old tape, etc., even as I gave him a running commentary on what was flashing before me. Finally, we agreed on meeting after lunch and hike to EDSA.

All the while, I wondered where the wife was, fleetingly worried for her safety and perished the thought just as quickly. (I found out later that she stayed all day and all night in Malacanang and was there at the exact time that the Marcoses left. She even brought home with her documents from Malacanang and some cuttings from the wires (concertinas) used as barricades).

There were four of us from Insular Life (Amado Resurreccion, Rudy Corpuz, Agustin Fabon and I ) on that fateful journey. We first took a jeepney ride up to the Guadalupe Bridge from our place at Olympia Village. Once there, a bus took us only up to Shaw Blvd. From that point, we walked.

It was a long walk. But, it was a memorable walk. Barricades were already up at the Ortigas-EDSA junction, some not-so-human (steel railings, cement blocks, sandbags, tree branches, cars, trucks, etc). People were coming and going, but mostly going to the Crame-Aguinaldo portion of the highway. I have never seen so many people in my life congregated altogether in one place. There were student groups, doctor groups, peasant (and Red?) types, it seemed all of Metro Manila wanted to be there.

There was hardly any breathing room as we reached Crame’s EDSA gate. I saw Marilou Diaz Abaya directing the filming of the spectacle atop a pick-up. I was so near suffocation, however, to dally and catch the camera’s attention.

We inched our way up to Camp Panopio gate where we tried getting in in the guise of food volunteers. No way. We spent some time dawdling about until we decided to move on towards the Horseshoe Drive. From there, we took a left, and made our way back to Makati. I was so tired I couldn’t even carry a conversation. But I thought, “Marcos is doomed. There is no way he can disperse this crowd now. It’s only a matter of time. The people have, at least, spoken, and won!

Each one, surprisingly, share the same belief and felt victory will soon be at hand. So what did we do? We celebrated and got inebriated. Was it just because we were looking for a convenient excuse to forego the beer boycott? Perhaps it was. But, I was also so happy then. The waitresses even warned us a curfew was then in effect. No one gave a hoot. We chorused, “Oh, really?” So, let them arrest us!”

We continued drinking and celebrated our freedom one full day ahead of history.

Photo by: Clyde Manzano

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Si MaArti at Si MaDrama

Napaisip ako... "Maswerte nga siya."

Mga dalawang taon na din ako nagaantay ng pagkakataon. Makita lang, makasama, kwentuhan, inuman -- kahit pa tubig lang. Gusto ko lang talaga siya pero ang magulo don, hindi ko alam kung gusto nya din ako. Minsan iniisip ko oo, gusto nya din ako. Pero parang malabo pa din. Hirap kasi nya i-pinta.

Pumasok ka?

Pmaz0k akow. Bkt?, reply nya.


Binabakla pa din nya ako. Palitan ko daw kasi ang "s" ng "z" para mas zozyal. At dapat daw parang mayroon akong braces or singaw para bawat labas ng salit sa bibig ko parang hirap na hirap ako.

Absent?, YM ko sa kanya.

Nada, sagot nya.

Kasi invisi(ble) nanaman.

Hahaha gnun tlga!

Kala ko tuloy di ka naka pasok.

Hahaha!

Ayy zorri pazok pala.

Anu ggwin mo kng d ako nkpasok?
, tanong nya.

Eh padadalan ka ng sopas sa bahay mo.

Haha, sopas tlga. Very provincia.

Hehehe! And very swee
t, sabi ko.

And very drama. Hahaha!

And very arti!
, sabay ngiti habang nakatitig sa harap ng computer ko.

Hahahah namaernch!, sagot nya.

Ayaw nya kasi ng ma-drama. Ayaw nyang pinaguusapan ang mga bagay ukol sa puso. Mailap nga kasi siya sa mga ganong bagay. Dinadaan ko na lang sa biro. Pero ang totoo gusto ko lang siyang mapaamin. Mahirap lang talaga. Mas gusto nya daw kasi na pinaparamdam na lang kaysa sinasabi.

Hindi naman siguro siya papayag makasama ako kung ayaw nya. Siguro nga.

Ikunuwento nya ang mga nangyari. Napapailing ako kapag binabanggit nya ang pangalan nung isa. Yung salarin kung bakit halos walong buwan akong di nagparamadam sa kanya. Ayaw ko din kasi magmukhang tanga pa at umasa. Siguro nga mabait lang talaga ako. Alam ko din kasi kung saan dapat lumugar ng ayon. Sabi nya pinagsawaan daw siya. Hindi ko lubos maisip kung paano nangyari yun. Ang asa loob ko lang masyado siyang masarap makasama para pag sawaan. Mas malaki pa palang tanga yung isa kaysa sa akin. Magkaibigan daw sila pero parang nararamdaman ko pa ding may pagtingin siya sa kanya.

Gusto mo pa ba siya?

Noong kahihiwalay pa lang, oo.


May kumirot ng onti. Madrama nga kasi.

Eh baket di kayo magkabalikan?

Di naman kasi siya nakikipagbalikan eh. Saka, wala akong nakitang pagbabago.


Isa pa rin daw siyang matanda na may utak ng isang bata. Immature ika nga.

Dapat nakuntento na ako sa sagot nya. Pero mashado na ako maraming pinagdaanan para malaman din na dapat na lang akong manahimik. Nakuntento na lang ako sa pag titig sa mukha nya. Pinagmamasdan bawat kilos, bawat tingin, bawat ngiti. Masarap maramdaman pero mahirap din. May onting sakit, onting asim pero nawawala din dahil naalala kong kasama ko siya ngayon. Para sa akin, ok na yun sa ngayon. Bahala na bukas.

Naisip ko, maswerte yung isa, yung dating mahal nya. Pero maswerte na din ako ngayon at kasama ko siya. Yun nga lang, mas maswerte pa din yung isa kasi minahal niya. Sana ako din.... balang araw.

Magdadalawang taon na pero hindi pa din ako nagsasawa. Kinikilig pag nakikita. Natutuwa pag nakaksama. Masaya pag kausap.

May drama, kaonting arte pero umaasa pa din na bukas makalawa sana, makita niya na ako yung taong sasalubong sa kanya pag uwi. Makikinig sa kwento ng araw nya. Nakangiti.

Masaya.



Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Last Viewing

Last night I was invited to watch an indie film at SM Megamall... and I was "the date." It stared Janice De Belen, Leondro Baldemor (who was soooo freakin' hot!) and Sherwin Ordonez. It's very rare that I get to go to premier nights nowadays. Back when I was a tad bit younger this was 'my thang.' I loved playing dress-up and walking the not-so-long and not-so-red carpet.

He invited me a few days back to watch it with him. I actually found it sweet considering we've only gone out a few times. Nevertheless, I was still eager to go. I met some of his friends, equally stylish and dressed to the nines. I wasn't just about to be left out. HA!

True to Filipino form and customs, the movie ticket indicated 7:30pm and we arrived 6:45pm... and the movie started oh, about an hour later. Is it just me or do Filipinos never really value time?

The movie was interesting enough. It was about a single mother with an autistic child who worked for a crematorium. For some of you who may not know, a "last viewing" means you're invited to go inside and take a look at your dead loved one for the very last time before he/she gets cremated. I initially thought having this kind of title for a movie was a bit morbid and thus had my suspicions of the film. I am not an avid fan of Janice but I've seen some of her more serious films and thought she was a great actress.

Laura (Janice deBelen) was portrayed to be cold, distant and even heartless. She had a troubled past having been sent away from home and disowned by her own father after having a baby out of wed-lock. In our culture, this is still very much a taboo and looked down upon. The plot actually revolved on Laura's search for her daughter after she went missing one afternoon. Being detached helped her move on with her daily life still keeping that glimmer of hope to one day find her daughter.

To be quite honest, I found the first 40 minutes or so of the film boring. I found the story went too slow and took too long to establish itself. I remember even looking at my watch wondering what time I'd be home. But it does get better. There were a few comedy kicks every now and then enough to keep you glued to your seat.

The best part of the story actually comes in the end, so I suggest you see it through. A real tear-jerker so I strongly advise to prepare the necessary items --- hanky, tissue, or even a sleeve of the one beside you.

Kudos
to the team who worked their a**es off for 6-days of non-stop shooting. One being the guy I'm currently going out with. I especially liked the character of the aunt of Laura. She brought the best comic relief for the film.... hands-down!

This is what I like about indie films, they bring out the freshness of the actors. You get to see them on a different light outside the glitter of some mainstream film they did before. It seemed more real, more emotional, more dramatic, and more inspired.

I think this is Janice's best work --- yet.
|picture grabbed from:http://www.noypitayo.com/2009/07/janice-de-belen-in-last-viewing-movie-trailer/|

Directed by Ronaldo Bertu­bin written by Romual­do Avellanosa. The film will be showing regularly starting Aug 5, 2009 in Metro Manila.




Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Monday, July 20, 2009

Saturday Night Nausea

On my near-epic quest to find that one person in the world I was meant to be with, I set out to our usual hang-out on Saturday nights--- BED Malate for a much needed break from the monotony of my alone-ness. Although I wasn’t really there looking for a perfect mate, I am on the lookout. But on this particular Saturday night, I decided to dress down and chillax with friends over a few drinks and nice conversation. Or so I thought.

We were sms-ing early evening basically asking each other superficial questions from “what are you doing?” to “are you busy?” My mobile phone was heating up with so many text messages coming in and out. V and I were sms-ing about her new found love. I was flirting with a couple of guys. And my mother buzzed from time to time as well asking how I was.

I finally ended up inviting this guy to go out as a “make peace” gesture for him ditching me the previous night. You see what happened was, last Friday our office was called off due to bad weather conditions and I decided to meet up with some friends and invited this particular guy to hang out with us. It took a while to convince him but I thought to myself I’d like someone to be with when I met up with all my coupled friends. To cut the very lengthy and boring story short, he canceled last minute. And after begging me forgiveness that Saturday was supposed to be his way to make it up to me. Since I believe that some people deserve a second chance, I said yes to meet him which turned out to be a pretty huge mistake.

He arrived almost an hour late. I was already sms-ing V about how pissed off I was. She said I should just ditch the guy and head to Malate. And I almost did that too. But I waited with every minute passing getting even more irritated. He finally arrived and if I remember correctly didn’t even apologize for being THAT late. Or if he did, I didn’t see the sincerity on that apology thus easily forgotten. Anyway, since it was already late and I was already itching to drink. We headed to Malate. The cab ride was extremely awkward though I was trying to lighten things up already. This guy was just too dense or perhaps even inexperienced in the matters of dating. I was beginning to pity him. The only good think about the cab ride was the program on radio that we ended up listening to and laughing our asses off.

It was 97.1, Barangay LS Forever and the program was with a DJ named “Papa Dan” which played Sheryl Cruz’s Mr. Dreamboy in the background the whole time --- a tad bit nauseating really. But what was hilarious about this was the concept of the program. It was P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C! Basically, the DJ would invite two callers, one female and one male, and match them up in an annoying attempt to entertain the entire country. On this particular call, the DJ asked them to do a little “skit” pretending that that guy was asking the girl on the other phone out. Which turned out to be a real thing after the ear-bleeding phone call finally ended.

***
DJ Dan: So, saan mo siya dadalhin para sa date nyo?

Guy: Sa magandang lugar. Doon sa malamig at maganda ang tanawin.


DJ Dan: (injects a lame joke about an ice plant.) Ah talaga saan ba ang asa isip mo na maganda ang tanawin at malamig?

Guy: Sa Baywalk!

It was infuriating and funny at the same time. I never knew I could feel both almost at the same time.

Guy: Pwede ba itanong kung anong size mo? Chubby ka ba or mataba? (There’s a difference--- tinagalog mo lang eh?!?)

Girl: Slim ako. Fit. S-I-xy. (That’s right, she said it with an ‘I’ not ‘E’)

DJ Dan: Meron ka bang kamukhang artista? Sino?

Girl: Meron. Si Angelica Panganiban!
(with a very strong Visayan accent)

Guy: WOW!

Girl: Oo, 26 ang size ko!
(Size of what??? IQ?)


***


After a few more drinks, my other friends finally arrived and we were finally off to BED. Being at the club was like a social gathering of sorts. Since technically it was one of only two gay clubbing scenes in Metro Manila, you were more likely to meet EXs in an orderly manner. First upon entering the club, one or two would probably greet you, then another while you’re dancing your butt off and then one more as you make your way to the exit pissed drunk. In my case, I saw them randomly across the dance floor. And then you’d see a few more people, not (E)Xs but more of “(WH)Ys.” People you’d either gone out with that never really worked out or someone you’d like to go out with but couldn’t. Again, on my case, I saw both… and more.

In the variety of old and new people you’d meet there it makes one wonder why anybody could still be single. The gay population in Manila has exploded to what seemingly felt like a “fad.” I remember when it was so much easier to find a relationship --- gay meets boy, boy turned out to be straight, gay meets gay, falls in love and cheats eventually, gay meets another and the deadly cycle goes continues. Nowadays, most people had re-defined the concept of love and relationships. And while it’s true that there is a remote possibility of finding your one true love, one could only ask--- is it really out there? And if it is, the million dollar question comes to mind: “Where (the hell) is it?!”

My journey has been long, tedious and sometimes even utterly frustrating. Failed dates aren’t exactly my idea of good living. But one could only try until eventually it becomes right. After all, you could only try to pick the bad apples from the basket in the hopes that you’ll find something golden eventually.

In the many opportunities that life throws at you, one could only hope and pray that the great Odyssey of your life leads you not astray from home. Where, hopefully, someone will be waiting for you and your great journey ends only to begin anew.

Now isn’t that worth waiting for?



Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Friday, July 17, 2009

On A Rainy Friday, I Wrote About My Friends

On a very cold, wet, rainy Friday, I spent the afternoon in one coffee shop with my bestfriend. She studied and I, well, wrote. Thinking about what to write is not a very daunting task for me. As far as I’m concerned the few things that I write about well are relationships, heartaches and the eternal longing to be with someone. And yet on this particular rainy afternoon, I find it difficult to write about what I’m feeling. Perhaps because as of right now, I don’t feel anything and I begin to wonder if I’m losing it. Have I become too jaded about the entire concept of love that it evades me even in writing?

I don’t think so.

A few days back, my friends and I got together for our usual coffee-chit-chat-bonding moment. We met at Starbucks Rockwell and began the tedious, very detailed updating of our lives. My variety of friends would surprise you. And while I do have a lot of them, I also have my fair share of not-so-good friends slash enemies – or to be politically correct, I treat them now as mere acquaintances. We do our usual Hi’s and Hello’s but nothing deeper than that. I’ve learned to distance myself from people who usually have the tendency to hurt my back with their knives. Specifically, some people from the office.

We got into thinking about the lives we each live. Some of us have been friends for over 10 years and others just a few years short of that. So you could just imagine how close some, if not all of us have been through the years. In a nutshell, we know each others’ D-I-R-T. We’ve experienced the lows and highs of our friendship but we remained, fortunately, steadfast as friends.

But what’s truly amazing about it is that regardless of our mistakes, we never judged each other. Sure we clash from time to time but we never really allow it to stand in the way of friendship. There’s D, who of all the people I’ve known may quite possibly experienced the true craziness of being in love. She allowed herself to be in too deep waters with a man she could never have and even produced proof of that. TWICE. And while her mistake was treated as a blessing, we do worry about her and the path she’s currently taking. We all know that the hardship is just starting and we are pretty much ready to stand by her side all the way. Probably even bang her head against a brick wall from time to time to wake her up.

Then there’s “M” and “A,” whose relationship has lasted more than I initially thought possible. Their personalities are so different from each other that often I wonder how they do it. But when I really stop to think about it, it’s all about the love. However you may define it. I guess you could call them lucky to have found each other with all the complications surrounding their relationship. Then, another couple, “R” and “A,” that like the other couple have very different personalities that somehow seem to complement each other. It wouldn’t come as a surprise if they finally end up together with a dozen kids to which we are all godparents to.

There’s “A” and “B,” who have been together near forever. And while no relationship is perfect, theirs seem to portray an ideal one. Rarely that I even hear them fighting or that one has a problem with another. They’re that good a perception management.

My close friend “V” who is probably the toughest woman I’ve ever known. We often joke that she has evolved --- becoming a man, or at least thinking like one. She has the biggest ego of anyone I know and yet could love like no one ever could. She’s a tough nut to crack but when you do finally get to what’s inside; you’d be surprised to find a golden heart inside. She could hide her feelings to everyone but a few when needed and could bark at a stupid and irritating stranger in a second. I could only pray that she finally finds someone to make her happy and treat her like the ‘princess’ she is.

Then there’s my bestfriend --- as the word implies, best and friend. Not much to say but she already knows how important she is in my life as much as I would like to think that I’m equally important to hers. Our bond couldn’t be stronger.

And then there are all my other friends who as I met in many, many different occasions and some not even seen in years, remained to be very dear friends to me.

And then there’s me. Well, you all know what I’m like. But I’d also like to believe that I’m as much important to all my friends as they are to me, I'm also as important to them. So really, who needs more, when I already found enough for this lifetime and perhaps even the next? For the longest time, I’ve always been bothered by the fact that I cannot please everyone. But I realized it’s enough for me to please these few. I know I’ll keep them for as long as I could --- at least until I find the one person worth keeping above all the rest.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Wanted: Love, Sex and (maybe even) Magic

Times have changed. People have evolved and the more they have the less important it seems for most people to be in love. And yet why do people still insist on finding it? Even if we are all aware how elusive it can be. The other day I saw a mentally challenged (autistic) person on TV and out of the blue it hit me. Will this person ever get married? Does she even care if she doesn’t?
Compared to most ‘normal’ people, others who are afflicted with some kind of mental illness, physical incapacity, or emotional turmoil are the most who are in need of love. And yet, are they capable of loving the same way as everyone else does? On some level, they know if they love someone. They were taught what kind of feeling that is but for them it’s very simple. They care and show their affection in one way or another, and thus define it as love. No complications. No math. No rocket science. No fuzz. They say what they feel when they feel it. Whether or not it’s reciprocated, never bothered them. But for us who are considered ‘normal’, it’s as difficult to say, find, or even feel love as the proverbial needle on a haystack. We put so much pressure and thought to it that we’ve become incapable of defining what love is in its true value. We’ve become jaded. Not able to differentiate love from lust or affection from attraction. Are they luckier because they don’t understand or are we, because while we are capable of understanding, we often refuse to do so?

Throughout time, love has been defined and changed by different cultures, religion, beliefs and even science. Intrapersonal, interpersonal, platonic, physical, physiological, etc, etc and somehow with all these definitions it become more confusing. In our quest to give rhyme or reason to this feeling we end up failing to understand that love CANNOT be defined. There could only be poems written about it, movies created for it, music composed to express it and yet it remains vaguely familiar. Like a distant echo or a fleeting whisper, you know what it is but you just can’t seem to figure it out. Until it calls out to you again and again, little by little you begin to learn, you begin to understand. And even then, you still stumble from time to time.

Sex on the other hand is easier to define. It has no complications. Its two bodies intertwined, locked in a tight embrace and hopefully later rather than sooner, both reaches orgasm. And when it’s done, it’s done. You either produce something out of it or throw it away and get ready for the next. Simple, right? In the past, I’ve made the mistake of confusing sex with love or the other way around. I vowed never to make the same mistake again. It truly made me a better person, I think. Less drama in my life, less complications, less jerks to jerk around or less time to spend thinking what I’ve done wrong. By learning the ‘less’ of things, I have more.

In the whole gayness of my world, love is very difficult to find nowadays. Considering it’s a relatively small gay world we live in. The problem lies on the fact that gay guys like to share, even if the other partner doesn’t know it or want that set-up.
Every weekend or so, I usually go to my hangout in Malate. Not trying to find true love but to basically have a good time, which I fortunately have everytime I go there. Still, I couldn’t help but keep my fingers-crossed, eyes opened wide and be on the lookout. After all, one could never know when it will come. It usually catches you on your most unguarded moment and I, being the eternal vain gay that I am, would not want to be caught dead in all my un-fabulous-ness. I don’t want love to come one day and I would look like crap and he’d rather be looking elsewhere. Wouldn’t want to miss that chance now would I?

I am still very optimistic about the entire love thing. And even if I’m coming to my 2 year ‘singlehood’ anniversary, I have never given up hope. I may have had a lot of hit and miss but one day I just might hit the cherry. And by then I would probably hear bells, maybe even angels or even see fireworks. It might feel like magic. It might feel like something else. Whatever the case maybe, I’m ready to be hurt only to experience love again. So come, HURT ME! Hurt me bad --- If only to feel, if only to love once more. If only to have that ever so glorious ‘meltdown’ only to rise up and have the fantastic make-up sex after. Now who says, love, sex and yes, maybe even magic can’t all go together?


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Unfortunately, It is Very Unfortunate. (@#!?*!)

It's pretty hard to recreate the blog that I did last Monday when I lost my laptop to yet another robbery. It's amazing how more and more people are losing their souls everyday. Just to give you an update, I was actually hanging out at my regular coffee shop in Boni Ave, Bean Perk when all of a sudden out of nowhere some a-hole grabbed my laptop from right under my nose quite literally. I was in complete and utter shock. I just couldn't fathom the idea of being robbed while having coffee, a smoke and typing -- the three favorite things that I often do. It's been two days but every now and then the entire unfortunate event flashes before my eyes like a recurring nightmare. And to add insult to injury, the Area Manager there Camille Mendiolla, seemed to be hiding something. I was asking for the name of the owner to file a formal complaint but this Camille person kept saying I should the address the complaint to her. And so, I will. But if anyone of you guys know the owner of the Bean Perk Coffee Shop in Boni Avenue, do let me know so I may share my frustration on their lack of security there. Anyhooo....

It got me thinking how many soul-less demons are running around the streets of Manila. Has the effects of this economic regression really affected everyone? It's unheard of, stealing a laptop right under your nose. I've heard of cellphones, cameras, bags, jewelry, but laptop? While you're typing? At a coffee shop? Unbelievable! Nowhere is safe! While the dirty politicians remain ever so dirty, the streets of Manila are exploding with crime. When I filed to the incident to the Mandaluyong City Hall Police Station, they showed me a bunch of mug-shots. Hoping that I would identify the culprit, I looked for hours at those pictures. To my surprise some were actually working, or at least formally working as police officers. The people who were suppose to be protecting us are now doing the crime. It was then when I realized that this country was really going to the dogs. Apparently after serving the force, it was time to join the other side. The bad side. Not to mention that most of those thieves, robbers, etc, were already back on the streets doing the same thing. What an efficient justice system we have don't you think?! (For those who didn't get it, there was a hint of sarcasm there!)

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to identify the thief who stole my laptop, and oh, did I mention it was an Apple laptop. The faces lingered on my mind for a couple of hours even after I've gone home. I was thinking that while I was looking at the pictures, they all looked the same. Does all soul-less people look the same? I'm not kidding, they really looked similar. Perhaps it was their grin, their smirk, their eyes, or something --- but there was definitely something. Eerie, right?

Actually when I was doing that blog article, I was channeling a very happy emotion. How ironic right? Just when I was writing about how happy I am now, this happens. It got me into thinking if the Lord was trying to tell me something. Maybe it's His way of saying I'm forgetting and this was a way for Him to remind me. I was never religious but I was never sacrilegious and blasphemous neither; and my friends would attest to that. I respect religion, I just don't practice one. I believe in a God, I just never believed that I should go to mass to be closer to him. But yes, I do forget to pray. I'm guilty of being one of those people who calls to Him only on times of despair.

My bestfriend told me that I should break this pattern. There was something I was doing wrong to attract those negative elements to my life. And even though I found it hard to believe, a part of me wanted to. It's not easy being happy when you're bombarded with so many negative things that puts you down.

If only life were a little kinder, a little more considerate, a little more understanding, a little easier. If only we live in a perfect world, where everyone loved one another, where peace ruled mankind, where there's no rich or poor, only good and no bad.

But it isn't... and so we move on just as life often does.

Still, it feels damn shitty!

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Friday, June 19, 2009

My Newest Banner


Long overdue to create an online portfolio. Created this banner for that purpose. Tell me what you think ok?

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Finding Leon

Another month, another hour, another moment when you see your life passes you by while all the rest moves to a slow but steady pace.

He woke up and realized that he didn’t dream. It was real after all. It went by and he didn’t even notice. He was too busy. He started making excuses to make himself feel better. There wasn’t anything left to do. It had already gone. He missed it and no matter how he thought of chasing after it, it can no longer be seen.

And so, he sat and waited for that door to open. He watched as shadows from outside moved about. He heard voices, undecipherable murmurs of people talking but still he did not stand up. He continued to watch the shadows moving and imagined them dancing. He pretended there was music and he began singing. No one could hear him so he sang louder. He sang until there wasn’t anything else to sing. It was 2 o’clock in the morning and he had forgotten about it. He sang because there was no one. He sang because he preferred that over crying. It didn’t come. Perhaps it had forgotten about him too.

He gazed outside and watched as the sun was rising. It felt warm and it reminded him of how that same warmth was what he yearned for. He wanted to say the words but the words didn’t come. He ran outside and chased the sunlight forgetting his sandals. He ran barefoot and felt that the grass was still wet from the rain the previous night. He ran in circles enjoying the cold morning and the warm sun hitting his face. He was happy – happier but he wanted more. He wanted to share his happiness to another; that one person to make the entire wait seem worth it. The one person to say it was alright to be himself. He was loved anyway.


He wanted to find him and say "Hi!"


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Monday, June 01, 2009

Updates on VCon09

I've been so darn busy these past few days that I have not been able to update any of my social networking sites properly.

FACEBOOK = Trying to upload pictures but for some FREAKIN' reason, I could not! Shoutout works though. UHUH!

Friendster = Haven't uploaded or done anything on this for about 6 months already. Passe` much! HAHAHA!

Multiply = Also couldn't upload photos which I took from our event. Over 2500 of them as of today.

Twitter = Hmmm...

Well, I'll post something soon.

Good thing about me being here though. FANS, lotsa fans! HAHAHA!

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Monday, May 11, 2009

Yosi, Wine at Mata sa Bintana.

***Isang liham sa may akda.***
**Note: PG recommended. LOL!

Hindi ko lubusang maisip kung baket napakatindi ng kamandag ng kanyang petchay. Parang tila may nakabalot na misteryo ito at lahat ng nakakatikim ay sadyang nahuhumaling.

Eto ang kwento ng kung paano ang isang ordinaryong gabi na sa ‘di inaakalang pangyayari binago ang aking buhay bakla.

Ako ay isang bakla. Bata pa lamang ako ay napapansin na ng aking mga kamag-anak, kapit-bahay, at ibang pang taong nakakasalamuha ang aking kakaibang kilos. Malamya daw ako para sa isang batang lalaki. Mahinhin daw at mahilig makipaglaro sa mga babae. Noon, sa aking buong pagaakala wala akong ginagawang masama. Eh ano ngayon kung mahilig akong makipaglaro sa mga babae. Eh ano kung mas magaling ako sa volleyball kaysa sa basketball. Eh ano kung ang paborito naming laro ay 10-20, Chinese garter, limbo rock, si Nena (ayy bata pa… kaya’t ang sabi nya uhmmm-ahhh-uhhhmmm-ahh-ahh!) at shake-shake-shampoo. Para sa akin wala akong ginagawang masama. Naglalaro lang. Walang malisya.

Pero di naglaon at sa aking pagtanda unti-unting nagbago ang aking pananaw sa aking noon pa ma’y kaduda-dudang ng pagkalalaki. Habang unti-unti kong natutuhan ang mga kamunduhan ng laman doon ko din napagtanto na ako nga ay isang binabae. Ngunit kailanman hindi ko ninais na maging babae. Nagkakagusto, umiibig, at nalilibugan lang ako sa kapwa lalaki. Yun lang.

Matagal-tagal na din akong umamin sa aking mga magulang sa aking piniling daan at sa kabutihang palad, tanggap naman nila ako. Pero sa kasukdulan ng aking kabaklaan may mga ilang paninindigan pa din akong sinusunod.
1. Huwag na huwag magbabayad ng lalaki para sa libog lamang
2. Huwag umibig sa tunay na lalaki
3. Huwag ng umasa na magkakaroon ng teknolohiya baling araw para gawin tayong mga bakla na tunay na babae --- matres at kung ano-ano pa.
4. Ipaglaban ang karapatang kabadingan --- di naman ako aktibista, di lang nagpapaabuso.

At madami pang iba. Nakakatamad na lamang ilista.

Pero sa mga alituntunin kong ito may isa pa aking hindi nagagwa… pumasok sa isang “gay bar” (hindi club), manood ng mga lalaking hubad na nagsasayaw at manood ng torohan kung meron man. Ngunit sa gabing iyon naranasan ko ang pangyayaring nagpabago ng aking buhay.

-0-


Para siyang kuneho kung umariba. Buong akala ko ay magigiba ang kama. Pinapanood ko lamang sila sa bintana habang nagyoyosi, umiinom ng wine at may kausap sa telepono doon sa may veranda.

Parang mga hayup. Dumadagungdong na parang kinakatay na baboy ang kanilang mga halinghing. Kung makapagsasalita lamang ang mga ding-ding, pader at muwebles ng kanyang maliit na apartment marahil maloloka ka din sa mga ikukuwento nito. Kung ano-anong kahalayan. Ibang klase.

Nakakalat ang kanilang mga saplot. Isang oras. Walang tigil ang sarap. Walang humpay ang pagnanasang magiba ang kama. Iba-Ibang pwesto. Parang pa-sirko-sirko. Para akong nanonood ng perya. Minsan asa itaas ang paa, minsan asa sahig ang ulo. Palakas ng palakas ang mga hiyaw. Ibang klase. Kakaonti na lang at muntik na akong sumugod sa loob para makatikim.

Matapos ang palabas parang walang nangyaro. Balik lahat sa dati. Balik inuman. Balik kwentuhan. Casual lang.

“Ang laki-laki!”
“Halika! Hawakan mo.”
“Ayaw ko nga!!!”
“Dali na, ok lang yan sa kanya.”

Kinuha niya ang aking kamay at pinahawak. “Hindi pa man ito galit, wika nya.” Sabay isang malakas na sigaw.

Umuwi akong tulala. Hindi pa din makapaniwala. Binago nila ang buhay ko. Ibang klase.

Disclaimer: Story is purely fictional ---- OR IS IT?! =D
Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Attack of the Mush: On Loneliness

It’s been a long time. A really, really long time since I’ve felt that jolt of excitement upon meeting that single person whom you know will change your life. And no matter how hard you try to mask the loneliness that envelopes your being, it does show.

Yes, I feel lonely.

For about three years now, I’ve been into places that most people cannot even pronounce. I’ve met people whose names seem peculiar and to a certain extent even laughable. I’ve worked my ass off for a company that I love primarily because of my bosses and some people whom I genuinely want to help. I’ve done so many things, bought so many material wants, and played (errr, not at my proudest moment) with feelings of emotions and love.

And yes, I still feel lonely.

Not many would and can own up to the fact that you are lonely. Most would just pretend. And others simply ignore their loneliness and/or drown themselves into nonsense activities to fill the void that they are truly feeling. While very few called “the lucky ones” feel perfectly content. But not to be misled, at some point in their lives they too felt lonely. But when fate turned and smiled on them, they felt lonely no more. Like I said, lucky.

Recently, I’ve been meeting a lot of interesting guys -- the point of interest being that they’re in a relationship for years with their partner. And the best part is they find me interesting too. Am I destined to such relationships? Meeting people who are committed and I, as you may have already guessed become the… “If only.”

If only we met earlier.
If only I met you 6, 5, 3 years earlier.
If only I wasn’t committed… (I’d be with you!)
If only I were single.
If only I didn’t love my partner so much.
If only I weren’t in a rocky relationship that I’m still fighting to work out.
If only you’re willing to be my Number 2.

That’s the thing, I don’t feel and deserve like being number 2. I still believe I’m destined to be someone’s number 1 – wanted to say THE ONLY ONE but that seems asking for too much nowadays. It’s unfair to be even asked of such, don’t you think? To be the panakip-butas because there’s something you (I) could give that the other person either can’t or won’t.

-0-
I remember the time when he used to sing me love songs.
When we talked all night and laughed on stories of life.
I remember the time when he couldn’t wait to see me,
when he couldn’t even bare to leave because I mattered.
I remember when we used to talk about forever.
When goodnight meant more than it did,
But I love you.
When good morning meant,
Thank you
For being part of my life.
-0-


In case you failed to notice, I am lonely but not entirely unhappy. I just want to share a life, my life with someone other than friends and family. It’s different, I’m sure you know, when somebody cares, somebody who gives a damn.

It’s been a really long time. I’ve nearly forgotten. If only there were someone to remind me, someone who remembers that I like most people simply wants to feel important. Someone you will take the mask off for not because he wants to but because he deserves to see the real you…

Happy.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Paper Cuts

"Busy Bee 8 by Noel Abelardo"

Looking back at all my previous relationships always bring a little nostalgia to me. It’s like opening a box of trinkets you saved from years back and every little thing on that box brings back memories. But then after looking at so many pieces you seem to forget how some of them got there in the first place. You wonder why you even kept it and what sentimental value it had. Simply put, there are some things or some people that YOU just forget and others that no matter how hard you try, will linger forever in your mind.

And then you ponder on things. Trying to recall every little bit of information. A surge of happy memories come pouring in and then only after a few moments, you remember why you broke up. You back track a bit and try to scrutinize every minute detail of the relationship trying as hard as you can to remember what the heck went wrong. And then, BAM! You get hit by a BUS! (Kidding!) Similarly though, it’s that same impact when you realize that regardless of how careful you were in making the relationship work, there are some things that’s just not meant to be…. FATE as they aptly call it.

I’ve been blogging mostly about love and relationships, break-ups and heartaches and stories of a happy ever after just because it’s the topic I know best. Not saying I’m an expert but I only wish to share my thoughts on the matter most of the time. I did after all, receive a few messages from other readers saying that to a certain level they could relate. I guess eventhough, we fall in and out of love with different people the feeling is always still the same.

My friend said breaking up with someone is the ugliest feeling in the world. It’s when you feel you’ve been abandoned and left to wallow in your misery. It’s like your heart has been ripped right out from your chest and you can’t breathe. It’s as if you’ve been kicked in the stomach and you can’t stand up. It’s like paper cuts, even the smallest one hurts like hell. It just SUCKS! And there are two things you could do about it, succumb to the feeling or learn and move on.

I realized that in my 18 months of singlehood I gained experience---experience that taught me in some level to be fearful to get my heart broken again. What was once magical suddenly turns into a fear that you’re again giving the power for someone to break you into a million pieces. What was once spontaneity turns into paranoia that you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable. And while I really do miss being in a relationship and even to a certain extent believe that I’m ready, I am (in all honesty) scared.

I am scared that the person I’m looking for no longer exists. And the harder you look the more elusive it gets. And when you don’t look, it simply passes you by.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

My Picture of Mr. Fu in Manila Bulletin



Who would have thought, just a simple picture would bring me some kind of exposure. Thanks Jeffery!!! Dahil jan, clozzzze na clooozze na tayohhh!
Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Scout Fool's Day

For ya'll Flickr Fans, you know what this is about...

Still, it looks DARN COOL! Happy April Fools.



Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Until He Cometh

He sat there waiting
For the right moment to come.
He wondered if the sun didn't shine as
brightly today as it did before.
It just seemed a little darker.

He stared at the door
Thinking if by looking it'll open.
He counted the time,
first by hours,
then by minutes.
Seconds came and went, longer the the first
and still he waited.

And then Alas!
He rose as quickly as he could
But he was slow.
His burden was just too heavy.

He looked at him with distant eyes,
with a cold stare,
and an empty face.
There was no one but
a figure of a man from the past.
A past he tried too hard to forget.

It was dark.
He sat back down
And then he waited.
Patiently,
Once more
Until he comes.

"Wither"

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Thank God It's Saturday


What Day of the Week Are You?

You Are Saturday
Like this day of the week, you are ruled by Saturn.
More than anything, you are down to earth.

You are practical and wise. You take care of yourself before all others.
Sometimes you tend to be a bit suspicious. You are protective of what you have.

While some people see Saturday as a day of leisure, you see it as a day to get things done.
You always look forward to your productive Saturdays. You wouldn't have them any other way!

Noel EnRouge(d)

Taken by our friend Clyde Manzano. Visit his site at www.clydemanzano.multiply.com

Here's me in RED. Ain't it just grand? =D



Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Bodies

It was dark and cold.
Their bodies entwined
Locked in tight embrace
That beads of sweat ran down their backs.
There were no words
Only cries and distant
Murmurs of throbbing pulse.
The ground rough
But it didn't matter,
It didn't hurt anyone.
Faces were intense
Seemingly lost in a crowd of passion.

One had rock-hard body
But skin smooth like silk.

The other charming,
Whose smile made you forget
The crazy night.

Another, bald, tan and with dimples
That was just pleasant.

An athlete. Young, fresh
And a physique that could rival any statue.

One looked like the other
Just a notch better.

Just one was married
But could never committed.

The other a star,
A dream come true.

And then there was I,
Just dreaming that just for this
Dark and cold night,
I could be her

Friday, March 06, 2009

On (Re)Defining Relationships

Interesting conversation with V.

Last night after winning our badminton game (GO GREEN GECKOS!), V and I decided to hang out for a few drinks and munch on something at a near-by bar.

We started talking about relationships, mine, hers, and of those we know. Somehow, we were able to analyze why the world is full of screwed up relationships and while others, lucky as they are find their happy endings.

Types of Interpersonal Relationships

1. Friendship - simply put, it's when two or more people are in a supportive and co-operative relationship. That and only that. Many deep relationships start from friendship. While it does work for some, it's not necessary or integral for others. I personally believe that 'lover-type' relationships that stem from friendships is just complicated. Especially if you've been friends for a long time. I still prefer the magic on the first meeting but that's just me.

2. Family - by birth, by blood, or marriage, or even legally by adoption or something like that.

3. Professional - people you work with or have some dealing with in a professional sense. This, I believe is one of the most complicated relationships you could have. Especially if you don't know how to play the game i.e. kissing-ass, back-stabbing, corporate politcs, etc... etc... etc.

4. Romantic - Now, this I know a little something-something about having years and years of experience. Defined in terms of the concepts of passion, intimacy and commitment, romantic relationships are often over-rated.

Generally speaking there are so many types of relationships. Boyfriend, girlfriend, cohabitation, domestic partnership, networking, or as Friendster/Facebook and so many other networking sites would define it, "It's Complicated."

So why the heck have relationships nowadays became harder and harder to define. Perhaps because so many of us have been influenced by the society to just become part of what they define relationships to be. We've accepted the fact that we are nothing more that just part of the norm.

Take me for example, I am a born-deep-to-the-core-love-crazed-hopeless romantic. And eventhough my heart has been trampled, squished, broken, torn into a million pieces, stepped-on, bulldozed, and thrown out the window, it has endured all of those only to be trampled, squished, broken, torn into a million pieces, stepped-on, bulldozed, and thrown out the window again.

I only wish that I begin looking at the bigger picture and keep an open mind about certain things. Things are changing, relationships are not the way it used to be. Back when our great-great-great grandparents were alive and relationships were sacred, it was easier (I think).

On the other hand, there are these very successful people, who seems to have everything but a committed relationship with someone. People who do not allow themselves to be confined on society's rules and regulations. The rebels. The independent women/men. The ridiculously successful entrepreneurs. People who don't see themselves tieing the knot and yet are perfectly fine having relationships with themselves. These are the people I should hang out with more often. Maybe if I do, I'd learn a few things from them.

***


But then again, there's always Puerto Galera. Let's get crazy. Let's go wild. I shan't think of all this relationship crap while there. Tomorrow will just be a crazy-crazy day! WOOOHOO!!
Powered By Blogger